today's successes

i just thought of the call and response that people sometimes did at church:

"God is good."
"all the time."

i'm having that kind of moment now.

ok, so the interview that i went on last week, the one that i was late for and that i had to make an unfortunate pitstop for, has blossomed into a job offer. right now i'm in the process of negotiations. this is my first time ever negotiating salary, so the first thing i feel is bad, guilty, selfish - all those things. i was talking about it w/ some women on saturday, and one of them said to me that companies expect that. ugh, i still feel pretty bad, but i think i would've felt worse had i not asked. i would've wondered, "what if..." and i definitely don't feel like having any more 'what ifs' than necessary.

so i'm not moving across the country. i'm staying pretty close to where i am now. i'm planning on moving to where i'm working, though, b/c even i, who likes to drive, do not want to make that commute everyday.


what else? my brother and i went to see... snakes on a plane yesterday. i know, cra-zy, huh? i don't recall seeing a movie all year (oh wait, i did see a movie, akeelah and the bee, w/ my mom b/c she wanted to watch it. so the second movie theater movie i go and see is soap. that's weird. even weirder is that my brother enjoyed it (he was the one at first who didn't want to go b/c he thought the concept was ridiculous). it was okay. i enjoyed it. but i'm too frugal/cheap to spend movie theater money on a regular basis.


um, what else? at this moment, life is good. one thing i am seeing more and more is that i do put too much confidence in myself. that's why when i feel that i'm not doing what i'm supposed to or i get into my head that i'm a 'failure' in some way, i get really hard on myself - b/c i often determine my worth in myself and how i act or what i do. if i'm looking to myself for... perfection or whatever, i'll always be disappointed.

ok, i'm either going to work on my novel a little more or read for a little while.

SoaP

like i said before...

stream of consciousness

doesn't the white house abhor the new york times? that is the same new york times that judith miller previously wrote for - the same judith miller who the white house released classified information? the same judith miller, previously of the ny times, who this morning was having breakfast w/ white house u.n. ambassador nominee john bolton?

ah, how refreshing to see that america never seems to learn from its mistakes. profiling everyone who is not-white, from native americans to african americans to asian americans (specifically chinese and japanese) to latino americans (specifically mexicans), and now it's time for arabic americans. i don't seem to recall them profiling caucasians during the reign of the ku klux klan. nor do i recall them profiling german americans during world war 2. but asswipe peter king suggests we do just that w/ people of middle eastern and southern asian descent.

isn't it ironic? (and no, i'm not laughing:) 2,973 people died on september 11 as a result of the attacks in new york city, arlington, virginia [d.c.], and shanksville, pennsylvania. 24 people were never recovered. so as a liberal number, 2,997 people died on 9/11. 2,597 u.s. soldiers have died in the iraq war. um, let me say this again: 2,973 - 2,997 people died on sept. 11; 2,597 american soldiers have died in the iraq war. does anyone besides me find this not only disturbing but tragic also? what have they died for? are we still going to sit here and act as though the iraqis were involved in 9/11? i don't doubt many of them wish we'd be killed, but if that's the basis for involvement, a majority of the world might be involved in 9/11. all these people died in new york, dc and virginia, and because of the president's personal vendetta ("[saddam] tried to kill my dad"), we've dishonored their memories by allowing almost 3,000 more american troops to die in iraq. and for what? i, for one, don't feel a damn bit safer. mark my words - more americans will die in iraq than died sept. 11. i hope i'm proven wrong.

but don't worry, i have words for the democrats too. they make me sick. look up democrat and next to the definition is the word "pussy". b/c that's what they are. put them all together and there's barely a ball between them. they're so worried about trying to win elections that they have a rubber back (no backbone) and you know what? they keep losing elections. it's not a surprise. i think there are some intelligent people who struggle w/ whether to vote for democrats and republicans and stick with republicans b/c they say, "at least if pubs are wrong, they're very convincing that they're right. dems don't even have the nuts to defend what they know is true." when i think of the democrats, i don't think flip-flop, but i do think wishy-washy. there are a few exceptions: feingold, for one, seems to be pretty right on and resolute; so does murtha. i've always had a decent amount of respect for maxine waters and there's a couple more. but most of them - *buzz* - i can do without. diplomacy is one thing; stating things that they know aren't true, just so they can stay elected makes them not deserving of the power they do have.

on a personal note... i was watching dr. phil yesterday and it was about this mother who raged on her kids. they'd set up cameras in her house and it showed her going balistic on her kids - screaming, using every swear word at them ("you're an asshole," "you're a fucking bitch"), slapping, choking, kicking one of her kids, even though he was limping... it was in-tense. oh, and by the way, the kids were 10, 9, 3, 3, and 7 months. i was very uncomfortable. i could feel myself tense up as i watched it. i don't know what part of the show it was, but for some reason i burst into tears. serious, deep, loud crying. i can tell you i wasn't expecting, nor prepared for, that.
later in the show, the dad, who was supposed to be semi-calm came on the show. of course, come to find out he'd sometimes kick them (the son tried to pacify it by saying that he didn't kick them really hard and even though he wore steel toe boots, he did it with the side of his shoe). the dad also brought home a "thou shalt not" stick which he or his wife would sometimes use on the kids; understandably, the kids were terrified of it. it immediately reminded me of how even now, years and years and years since i'd last gotten a spanking, i still tense up and get fearful if i go in my parents room and see my dad's belts on his bed. so of course i started crying again.
then they spoke about one of the 3 year old kids, who's started biting himself when his mom rages. dr. phil was talking about how kids do this b/c they have so much anxiety in a situation that they'll try to do anything, even hurt themselves, to distract themselves from that situation. then, of course, i burst into tears again. i was thinking of how, when i was young, i used to pick my face until it would bleed and how i made scars on my face that lasted probably four or five years. how i used to pull out my eyebrow hairs. how i used to bite myself. yes, i understand sometimes people do things because of an ocd. and while this could be part of what drove me, i think it was mainly b/c i often felt very fearful and unsure at home. then i thought of how that stopped for years at a time, but how i've spent many years of my life hurting myself in some way. how i've done all kinds of things to myself and how even now, even today, first thing i did when i woke up was went to the bathroom and picked at my body for about thirty minutes, getting excited when it bled, having the blood get all over my fingers and inside my nails so i had to clean underneath the nails to get all the blood out, how frustrated i was that i couldn't pull off this one piece of skin on my body so i frantically searched for a safety pin so i could poke and prod and tear off the skin. how even though i know that that isn't a nice thing to do, that i really enjoy it. and it made me say, "i don't know what it's like for people who get spankings or people who have a raging parent. but i can say, watching these kids and from my own experience, that it definitely affects us."
i usually don't want to say anything like that b/c i feel almost as if i'm being fucked up toward my parents, as though i'm saying they're bad parents. i'm not. the truth doesn't make someone bad; it makes them human. i can justify it and say they were nowhere near as bad as that mom was, but it still affected me to this day. and those decisions they made had a negative affect on me. and i still love them profusely, but it doesn't change the facts.

i've also been thinking, despite the negative tone of this note, that i want to demonstrate more love - to everyone. that there's this acceptance of hatred in our world, and i don't think about how hurtful, mean and hateful i can be until i see myself in someone else. how, just like i believe one negative act spurs a succession of negative acts, i also believe one positive act can spearhead more positivity. i'm going to try and share the positive.

and now, i'm going to either read some news, exercise, or take a nap. ;-) until next time, take care.

morning thoughts

1. i was thinking about how i make an effort to not offend people. i mean, i do try a lot of the times. particularly, i guess, when i write. yet, i still seem to offend people left and right. sometimes i understand it (i have some non-conformist views), but other time it hits me from left field.

it makes me think: why do i make such an effort not to offend people? why tiptoe gingerly around issues? why try to be diplomatic? if i feel a certain way, maybe i should just be bold, shout it from the rooftop, and if i offend someone, too bad so sad. it wasn't my intention, but oh well.

i'm too ____ for that, i think. (the "____" is because my mind's a little mushy and i couldn't think of anything to put there.

2. crazy situation yesterday! i was driving to a city about an hour away. only thing was it took me 2 1/2 hours. and it was for an interview. so needless to say, i wasn't happy about that. but the crazy thing is i had coffee and water yesterday morning and coffee flies through my bladder. i knew, whilst on the road, that i would not make it to my destination unscathed. i sped off the highway, drove to the back of some parking lot, ran to the bushes (behind a dumpster), and emptied my system. i was trying to hold my skirt up so nothing would splash on it (the dry leaves on the ground were causing a slight problem). but in the process, i realized i had my skirt all the way up in the back, so if someone was looking through the woods, they'd be able to see my bare ass. oh my gosh. i was slightly embarassed. ok, probably more than that. but i jumped back on the road again.

3. i feel like i'm in an uber-sensitive mood right now. i don't like that. i do wish i was a lot more callous and non-analytical and not so concerned with what other people think of me.

4. i probably drove 4/ 4 1/2 hours yetserday and i only had a couple flashes of road rage, which is super for me! i was very glad for that (the lack of it, that is).

5. i've got to take a nap. i'm ex-bloody-hausted.

"your mother was a lizard"

that has to be the perfect retort to any insult. and boy, are there a lot of those on the internet. it reminds me of the adage:

"arguing online is like competing in the special olympics... even if you win, you're still retarded."

i guess it's nice that even the most ignorant of people are able to spread their venom. i think, though, the less credence i give to retards, the better.

i don't know if it's going to church every sunday and hearing the pastor speak about love, or hearing that silly bank commercial on tv that plays the beatles' "all you need is love" jingle, or just all the shit in the world right now, but i'm thinking, if someone wants to be idiotic, why am i going to let it get me bent out of shape? why would i waste energy being pissed at someone? i mean, are there really enough hours in my day to get angry at people who i don't even know? particularly people online?

we (as in people) really seem to be a hateful bunch. i'll hold my hand up first on that. i certainly have anger issues. and it's amusing how much vitrol people spew online - it doesn't matter if i go to a dem site or a pub site - everyone's spending so much time knocking other people down.

don't get me wrong - i can knock down with the best of them. but then what? do i get an 'online special olympics award' for schooling someone who's not even worth my breath? have i made some point because i punked a punk? it's not worth arguing with a retard because the only way to beat a retarded person is to be more retarded.

better just to look and laugh. observe it with one brow raised, the way i'd observe a bratty kid who's having a temper tantrum in the store. or better yet, maybe i just won't look at all.

dead presidents

despite how it sounds, i'm not pumping out a wish list. i'm speaking of the movie. i watched part of it a few days - this vietnam war scene. wow. i just looked at the imdb page and it mentioned "strong graphic violence". um, yeah. in this one scene, an american soldier went off to use the bathroom in the bushes w/out telling anybody because he didn't want anyone near him when he did his business.

when the soldiers realized he'd gone off, they went running, looking for him, and found him - i kid you not - with his stomach slashed completely open, some of his intestines spilling out on top, and his dick in his mouth. ok, even just typing this makes me want to stop. that was definitely the most disturbing scene i've seen in a long time.

oh, to make it better, the guy wasn't dead yet. i hoped that the thing hanging out of his mouth was just his intestines. i'd hoped that the vietnamese soldiers had just cut off part of his small intestines and stuck it in his mouth. no such luck. the soldiers gave him some morphine and tried to cover his stomach so they could rush him back to the compound. i started yelling, "what's wrong with you?! kill him! he's in pain!" the soldier begged anthony to kill him and eventually anthony did (by overdosing him on morphine). i was pissed off that they didn't kill him right away, to put him out of his misery. i was pissed off that they had that graphic of a scene in a movie. i mean, there's a huge difference from night of the living dead zombies eating intestines versus realistic war movie guy w/ his intestines hanging out.

war is a crazy, crazy horrible thing. it's amazing that more people who go to war don't end up com-plete-ly fucked up. it would be understandable if they did. i mean, i was upset and i was just watching a movie; i can't imagine actually being in the midst of it!

it seems as if there should be some law that states before a leader sends his soldiers off to war, he has to have at least fought in a war himself, so he has a clearer picture of what hell he's sending them to.


there is something interesting about people who complain, "you don't care about the troops!" i never see those people make a peep about veterans. are the troops only important while they're at war? isn't it our responsibility to say, "you risked your life for your country. now we're going to take good care of you"?

just a thought.

monkey business

i ran across this video, courtesy of boing boing, courtesy of you tube. it's funny. check out (what i have dubbed):

monkey business

lamont rocks on!

i'm so glad lamont won!!! take that, pubs and liebs! too bad the lieb won't just get the hell out. what an egotistical idiot.



and on a completely different subject: i hope people don't watch 'world trade center'. geez, i sound like a hater, don't i? :-p
i miss writing on here on a regular basis, but my days seemed to be packed with looking for jobs and trying to write my story. i hope to get back on here and post meaningful stuff. :-)

peace to all!

wait, let me explain!

i really would have liked to invest more time on here - so many national/international/life things to talk about. but i'm working on (and doing a poor job of) finishing my book, so almost all of my writing attention is there. i'll leave it at that or else this'll turn into a looong post.

no global warming

... or so says good ole roy.

now, believe me, there has been much more exciting news than this since i last posted. but i just happened to be reading this article and had to post it.

you see, i've never been a big global warming type of person. i mean, i had no doubt that it was real, but i wasn't really concerned about it and i had that selfish perspective of "well, it won't fuck me up in my lifetime."

that is, until the heat wave. i don't know if i've felt anything like it. i would say without a doubt i have been in the hottest and the most humid part of the country in summer, and this heat wave was more intense than any of them.

so now that i am personally connected to this, global warming is taking a slightly bigger place in my mind. issues like poverty, racism, conflicts in africa and the middle east, ...... [all the topics that go there that i'm not thinking of at the moment], and even finding and getting a job take precedent over global warming. but at least gw is in my top, say, 100 concerns (maybe), instead of not really being an issue for me.

Majority Whip Blunt: If I Stay In Charge, Congress Won’t ‘Do Anything Meaningful’ On Climate Change