stream of consciousness

doesn't the white house abhor the new york times? that is the same new york times that judith miller previously wrote for - the same judith miller who the white house released classified information? the same judith miller, previously of the ny times, who this morning was having breakfast w/ white house u.n. ambassador nominee john bolton?

ah, how refreshing to see that america never seems to learn from its mistakes. profiling everyone who is not-white, from native americans to african americans to asian americans (specifically chinese and japanese) to latino americans (specifically mexicans), and now it's time for arabic americans. i don't seem to recall them profiling caucasians during the reign of the ku klux klan. nor do i recall them profiling german americans during world war 2. but asswipe peter king suggests we do just that w/ people of middle eastern and southern asian descent.

isn't it ironic? (and no, i'm not laughing:) 2,973 people died on september 11 as a result of the attacks in new york city, arlington, virginia [d.c.], and shanksville, pennsylvania. 24 people were never recovered. so as a liberal number, 2,997 people died on 9/11. 2,597 u.s. soldiers have died in the iraq war. um, let me say this again: 2,973 - 2,997 people died on sept. 11; 2,597 american soldiers have died in the iraq war. does anyone besides me find this not only disturbing but tragic also? what have they died for? are we still going to sit here and act as though the iraqis were involved in 9/11? i don't doubt many of them wish we'd be killed, but if that's the basis for involvement, a majority of the world might be involved in 9/11. all these people died in new york, dc and virginia, and because of the president's personal vendetta ("[saddam] tried to kill my dad"), we've dishonored their memories by allowing almost 3,000 more american troops to die in iraq. and for what? i, for one, don't feel a damn bit safer. mark my words - more americans will die in iraq than died sept. 11. i hope i'm proven wrong.

but don't worry, i have words for the democrats too. they make me sick. look up democrat and next to the definition is the word "pussy". b/c that's what they are. put them all together and there's barely a ball between them. they're so worried about trying to win elections that they have a rubber back (no backbone) and you know what? they keep losing elections. it's not a surprise. i think there are some intelligent people who struggle w/ whether to vote for democrats and republicans and stick with republicans b/c they say, "at least if pubs are wrong, they're very convincing that they're right. dems don't even have the nuts to defend what they know is true." when i think of the democrats, i don't think flip-flop, but i do think wishy-washy. there are a few exceptions: feingold, for one, seems to be pretty right on and resolute; so does murtha. i've always had a decent amount of respect for maxine waters and there's a couple more. but most of them - *buzz* - i can do without. diplomacy is one thing; stating things that they know aren't true, just so they can stay elected makes them not deserving of the power they do have.

on a personal note... i was watching dr. phil yesterday and it was about this mother who raged on her kids. they'd set up cameras in her house and it showed her going balistic on her kids - screaming, using every swear word at them ("you're an asshole," "you're a fucking bitch"), slapping, choking, kicking one of her kids, even though he was limping... it was in-tense. oh, and by the way, the kids were 10, 9, 3, 3, and 7 months. i was very uncomfortable. i could feel myself tense up as i watched it. i don't know what part of the show it was, but for some reason i burst into tears. serious, deep, loud crying. i can tell you i wasn't expecting, nor prepared for, that.
later in the show, the dad, who was supposed to be semi-calm came on the show. of course, come to find out he'd sometimes kick them (the son tried to pacify it by saying that he didn't kick them really hard and even though he wore steel toe boots, he did it with the side of his shoe). the dad also brought home a "thou shalt not" stick which he or his wife would sometimes use on the kids; understandably, the kids were terrified of it. it immediately reminded me of how even now, years and years and years since i'd last gotten a spanking, i still tense up and get fearful if i go in my parents room and see my dad's belts on his bed. so of course i started crying again.
then they spoke about one of the 3 year old kids, who's started biting himself when his mom rages. dr. phil was talking about how kids do this b/c they have so much anxiety in a situation that they'll try to do anything, even hurt themselves, to distract themselves from that situation. then, of course, i burst into tears again. i was thinking of how, when i was young, i used to pick my face until it would bleed and how i made scars on my face that lasted probably four or five years. how i used to pull out my eyebrow hairs. how i used to bite myself. yes, i understand sometimes people do things because of an ocd. and while this could be part of what drove me, i think it was mainly b/c i often felt very fearful and unsure at home. then i thought of how that stopped for years at a time, but how i've spent many years of my life hurting myself in some way. how i've done all kinds of things to myself and how even now, even today, first thing i did when i woke up was went to the bathroom and picked at my body for about thirty minutes, getting excited when it bled, having the blood get all over my fingers and inside my nails so i had to clean underneath the nails to get all the blood out, how frustrated i was that i couldn't pull off this one piece of skin on my body so i frantically searched for a safety pin so i could poke and prod and tear off the skin. how even though i know that that isn't a nice thing to do, that i really enjoy it. and it made me say, "i don't know what it's like for people who get spankings or people who have a raging parent. but i can say, watching these kids and from my own experience, that it definitely affects us."
i usually don't want to say anything like that b/c i feel almost as if i'm being fucked up toward my parents, as though i'm saying they're bad parents. i'm not. the truth doesn't make someone bad; it makes them human. i can justify it and say they were nowhere near as bad as that mom was, but it still affected me to this day. and those decisions they made had a negative affect on me. and i still love them profusely, but it doesn't change the facts.

i've also been thinking, despite the negative tone of this note, that i want to demonstrate more love - to everyone. that there's this acceptance of hatred in our world, and i don't think about how hurtful, mean and hateful i can be until i see myself in someone else. how, just like i believe one negative act spurs a succession of negative acts, i also believe one positive act can spearhead more positivity. i'm going to try and share the positive.

and now, i'm going to either read some news, exercise, or take a nap. ;-) until next time, take care.