The lack of negative entries

Don't get me wrong - I definitely haven't stopped writing negative entries, nor do I plan to. For instance, the more I hear people speak of hellary clinton as though she's already president, the more I think, "I hate that bitch." Other things set me off too - if I posted everything that I had an opinion on, I'd have no time to work. And I'd probably feel miserable.

Which is why I haven't posted a lot of stories I've thought of writing about. Partially it's because I'm pretty busy at work. But maybe even more than that is because a lot of them are negative stories, and sometimes I feel as if wasting any time on negativity comes back my way. For instance, I think of someone doing something "asshole-y" and so I blog about it. Well great, if it helps me feel better. But if I'm still stewing about it, then I'm still in that space and I'm wrapped in the negativity of the story. Often, I'd rather not even waste the time to write about something that's irritating because I don't want to give it any more energy.

It's late so hopefully this post makes sense. I'm going to stop writing before I'm really redundant. :-)

Those damn holiday parties

So yesterday I looked in my mail slot and saw an envelope... addressed to me. I was slightly excited: "I wonder what it is?" That thought was soon quashed when a co-worker said offhandedly, "Those are the invitations for the Christmas party."

Oh.

So after feeling a little bit of disappointment that I wasn't special with a personalized card, it sunk it: Christmas-fucking-party. I hate those things. Hate 'em. Why? I'm sure you guessed it: because I'm the one there without a date. Ugh.

Last year, fortunately, was okay. A number of my co-workers were dateless, the place was packed, I was hit on all night (mainly by drunk guys, but hit on nonetheless), and the drinks mellowed me out enough that I wasn't completely self-conscious and anxiety-ridden.

But here I am, at another company, and in a couple months another fucking holiday party will be happening. I almost feel like hiding my head under a pillow. Haha. That'd be cute.

But I notice that, as is the case with most things, the feelings I'm having regarding this aren't just about this Christmas party, but also feelings that's apparently lingered from grade school (is high school grade school). The Valentine's Days without gifts (well, that's not true - my best friend used to bring me a card and balloons and flowers, bless her heart, so at least I could pretend they were from a secret admirer). In high school, I never knew who I'd go to dances with and it would usually be a last minute scramble - I'd ask a guy and maybe he'd say yes or maybe not. Maybe I'd end up going and I wouldn't even have a date. (Why go to a dance without a date, you might ask. Because, working in student government, I had to help out.)

Despite how that paragraph probably sounds, I'm not trying to stew in a pity party; rather, I'm trying to explain how those things from before carry on today and I feel the same anxiety/rejection/fear/resentment, etc.

There's always the route of trying to find a date. Oh, how horrible. Most of my guy friends have moved from the area, and the ones who are here... well, I'll skip that. I know for the next month and a half I'm going to look at guys as potential dates. "Hmm, does he look like someone I'd feel okay showing to my co-workers? Yep. Does he have a wedding ring? Nope. Ok, maybe I should try and flirt with him." (Which is a completely different thing - I give huge "don't bother me" signs - everyone tells me I'm very intimidating before they get to know me, but once they know me, they realize I'm pretty harmless.) My fear is that I'll end up talking to some old guy, which is ugh - somehow I often get along better with much older guys (old enough to be my dad, I suppose, but definitely not old enough to be my grandpa), but can you imagine if I brought someone like that to a work party? Holy shit! Or even worse, I won't find someone period. Aye. Even saying that makes my heart feel pained (or beat faster or something).

And to make it better, add having a crush on not one, but two guys at work - both of whom are married! It's not the marriage thing that is really bad - it's the having-to-see-the-wife-stay-by-her-husband-while-I-try-to-ignore-them. (Not like it's ever happened before...) (yes, my voice was trailing off at the end).

Ok damnit, I'm having a motherfucking pity party for myself. I should keep things in perspective - there are people dying in the world and the last thing they care about is a stupid party. But I'm here and I care. :-(

Here are my options:
- go with a guy
- go with a girlfriend
- go by myself
- don't go

Eeks. At this point, I'd possibly even think of finding some really cute girl to be my date (I can't believe I just said that, but there it is; plus, the company is gay-friendly so I don't think it would be perceived overly negatively).

And there is the essence of the fucking dilemma: I'm worried about others' perception of me. It's completely my fear of what people think about me. Ugh. Who cares what other people think?

I care.

I have some work cut out for me. It's not necessarily work to find someone to go to the party with (even if I didn't find someone, I'd more than likely still go). The work might just be to become more comfortable with just being me. Me. Me. Without putting so much credence into what someone might be thinking in their head because they raised their eyebrow slightly higher than they normally do or because the person didn't sit next to me in a meeting.

Whah. (That's not a wail; it's more of an exhale.)

Let's see what happens.

Thoughts of the day

I'm pretty sleepy, so I'm not going to expand on these. I'll try to get to all of them tomorrow. The thoughts ruminating through my head today (in no particular order):

- Democrats are PUSSIES
- Hellary - I hate that bitch
- once again, the government tries to get in too much of our damn business
- and other little treasures

Despite the overall (overwhelmingly) negative tone of this summary, I feel pretty damn good. Not that you necessarily care how I feel, but all the same...

Until next time...

Busy Bee, and Being P.C.

First of all, I had planned to write more frequently than I currently have, but it looks like work is busier than I anticipated (I've been up to my elbows in projects this week), and I don't have an internet connection right now at the house, so lunch times is about as blog-y as I'll get for a couple weeks.



I can feel that struggle between whether to say what I really feel or to temper it for the sake of not offending people. The truth, I think, is that many things that I think, or at least many "somethings that I've got to say" (what a mouthful of poor English) would be offensive because I'm fairly blunt, admittedly often too emotional, sometimes self-righteous (ouch) and controversial. I also try to tell the truth, which I think my friends can attest for. So while I would call someone out for an issue and want to truthfully express my opinion about things, I also believe that I have to be honest with and about myself. That makes skipping around topics for the sake of being less divisive, less rude, things of the sort, more difficult.

On the other hand, I can look at things from the other side and see that if I felt I was on the other end of someone's vitrol and thought s/he made a huge misstatement, it could piss me off. To the point where I'd say, "Why is it that people can say this stuff online?"

The last thing I'd like to be is controversial for the sake of being controversial - that's lame. That's really lame. Nor would I want to alienate people. But trying to honestly express views, thoughts, opinions, I think that's okay. I do believe open communication is one of the best ways for people to move past their differences to commonalities.

So I'll try to be honest while also trying to be respectful.


That is 'try'.

Wow - lot to catch up on

There's no way I'll be able to catch you up on everything that's happened, but let me summarize (it would be weird to not post for a year, and then start posting as if nothing happened).

Two days after my last post, I started a new job. I was swamped. Didn't have anytime to post while at work (which I suppose is understandable; it is, after all, a job and I had work). But on top of that, I was so tired by the time I'd get home that I'd go to sleep. That and being depressed. So, job that sucked ass, overworking, being depressed, being busy, not making it a priority, quitting job, looking for work, starting new job, being much happier in job and not nearly as overworked.

Oh yeah, and I've moved three times within the last year. Moved --> place near work --> [quit job] --> moved back to original place --> [got new job] --> moved to place near work.

Add to that not being able to remember my password for here, then not knowing which gmail account I connected with this blog, so not knowing where to receive my password hint (you gotta love gmail).

Anyway, the point is I'm finally here, and ready to post again.

Hi all - let's get started! :-)